They say it's your birthday...

I'm 26.

You know that didn't really hit me until I looked at my MySpace page and saw my age had changed. I am a dork...

It's just a number, right? I only reacted because that is what people expect you to do. "Only 4 more years till 30." Ok. Thanks.

Big deal though. Just because I am an age doesn't mean I have to be that age. And I'm not talking that I'll be "26" forever. I'm talking I'll feel "26" forever. An eternal young at heart that I hope that stays eternal...

My mother asked me if 26 felt any different that 25. I said it felt the same but that I was ok with that. I like who I've become. And apparently so do my parents. They wrote so in my card.

Just like every good story, it started a bit slow. Throwing in some sad bittersweet moments for effect but the good parts began to emerge as the day built. One on top of the other just like a perfectly constructed Lego house. Almost over-whelming at times but necessary to continue.

I blew out my candles and thought hard about my wish. Hopefully it comes true. We'll see. I didn't ask for much maybe just direction to where this story will go next...



I couldn't have wished for a more perfect day. Everyone who means the world to me I saw. And I even had a few surprises I never would have expected. So thank you to everyone who sent me birthday wishes and sang birthday songs. And did things you didn't have to do to make me feel special. You're kindness could never go unnoticed and it couldn't mean more...


SONG OF THE DAY: Ice Cube - It Was A Good Day

This Time Last Year: A Photo Essay: Half-Way-to-50-Birthday-Celebration


These sort of things are why I love my friends...

The Birthday Extravaganza

Clear your calendar's folks because besides May being the time of year when life starts to open it's sleepy eyes from the harsh winter, it is also my birth month. Woop woop!

This year I turn 26. I'm officially in the "Barbie Age Range.*" I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'll decide with Cher and Busta Rhymes tommorrow. Depending on how it goes will determine how much of my liver will need to be replaced on May 24th. And since I'll be 26 I'm hoping I take things ok because these last few months of being 25 have been rough on the old liver. I can barely drink 2 beers without be shit-tay. I'm going to have to blame the gallons of booze I used to drink that caused my liver to dry up to prune size.

So similar to last year you are invited to bask in my awesomeness.



I had a really wonderful time with everyone last year falling down and wearing headbands and I can't imagine this year to be any different... so I'll see you around. And remember gifts are not necessary just suggested if you want to continue being my friend.


* Science has proven that most girls make their Barbie's 26-28 because that is when a lady should have all her "shit" together. "Shit" is scientific terminology.

What A Feeling!

Have you ever wanted to punch about 30 people in the face? Like line them up. Walk down the row and deliver a punch right in their face. I'm not talking a bloody mess but just rough em up a bit. Ok, maybe a slap would be more accurate as to what I wanted to do on Friday night.

I went and saw Flashdance Friday. I'm a J Beals fan and I wanted to show my support not only for her but for the wonderful city that sets the stage for her to get down with her bad self. If you didn't know that city is Pittsburgh. A very strange Pittsburgh. Like a Pittsburgh where you can hail a cab. Um, I've never even seen a cab let alone been able to hail one.

I have to give mad props (yea, 1992) to Modern Formations for their set-up especially considering I was in a frat basement a few weeks prior right next door. They had snacks. Fluffy couches I didn't get to sit on. And door prizes I didn't win. Go me.

Lee Ann and I settled in our folding chairs and cracked open a beer. As soon as the music began to build I knew I was going to lose my mind. We were amongst sarcastic hipster drama geeks. The kind of people who shout nonsense at the screen because "they" think it's funny. If I heard "what a feeling" or "take your passion" one more time people would have been leaving with slap marks. Some of the comments were funny. Most were ridiculous and prevented everyone from hearing witty 80's dialogue.

Overall the experience was enjoyable and reminded me that if J Beals was playing an 18 year old in Pittsburgh, I was pretty lame when I was that age. Because not only was she a welder, a "dancer", a bike rider, a boss do-er, but she also could take her bra off without taking off her shirt and make it look sexy. I'm pretty sure I couldn't do that now and I've had some practice taking my bra off. (ba-dum dum... )

I got nothing...

Hall & Oates - Rich Girl (I just want people to like me)

Just Nonsense

It's Friday bitches! You know what that means... it’s Just Nonsense time!

I like the 80’s. Obvi if I’m going to make a living out of playing the keytar. Deciding on a favorite 80’s movie would be a task I’d never be able to finish though. I’m a terrible decision maker. Ask my friends. They hate me. What I can say is that Flashdance would most definitely make my top 25 list. And because of that I’m going to celebrate the 25 year anniversary tonight. I have my cut off sweatshirt and leg warmers all ready. I’m a maniac!

I was having a rough 2 months or so there. Melancholy (Mellon Collie) and the Infinite Sadness. (How good was that album btw?) Oh, depression you thought you had me didn’t you. I laugh in your face. Things have been on the up and up lately. Mostly because when you are as awesome as I am it is hard to be brought fully to your knees. Also my stone cold heart helps. You know what else helps? Getting whistles from high school students when you’re giving awards out at an assembly. I must say depression was great for my figure. Woop woop! Anyways I’m hoping my lucky streak continues and I get that million dollars I’ve been wishing for on MY BIRTHDAY TUESDAY!

Speaking of MY BIRTHDAY ON TUESDAY, I’m going to dinner with a few friends tomorrow to stuff my face full of seafood and celebrate my birth. Because those things go hand in hand. Seafood and birth. It’s like peanut butter and jelly or Hall & Oates. I’m so special I get to have two celebrations but would you really expect anything less. (Details about the Extravaganza to come on Monday.) Besides St Patrick’s Day, My Birth, is probably my favorite holiday. I get presents. I get to wear party hats, eat cupcakes and pretty much do whatever I want because it is my day. MY DAY PEOPLE. And who doesn’t love a day all about them? It is also quite possible they are going to give me the gifts I picked out for myself because it wouldn’t be a birthday if I didn’t get gifts that I picked out.



To a few people who are going through some tough times, you're in my thoughts… "Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be." (Sex and the City.)




SONG OF THE DAY: French Kicks – So Far Are We (for vern)


This week in survival tips...

How to Take a Bullet
1. Face the shooter. Avoid taking a bullet in your back or in the base of your skull.
2. Get low. Sit with your knees bent, your legs in front of you, your forearms covering your face, and your hands over your head. Keep your hands an inch or two in front of you to absorb the impact of the bullet.
3. Wait for the impact. You may feel a “punch” sensation or nothing at all.
4. Control the bleeding. Place firm, direct pressure on the wound to slow blood loss. Tightly tie a belt or narrow strip of cloth several inches above the wound if the bleeding does not stop. Use a tourniquet only as a last resort. Never leave a tourniquet in place more than a few minutes.
5. Seek help.

I Would Play __________ If I Were In a Band

While prancing around DC two weekends ago I decided if I were ever in a band I would be the keyboard/keytar player. I got two very strange looks when I declared that. Not because they thought me being a keyboard/keytar player was absurd but because we were talking about muffins. IDK... my mind wanders off topic a lot.

It was immediately assumed I would be the keyboard/keytar player because I played piano for 7 years. Wrong. Especially since I can barely play chopsticks now, you’re welcome Mom and Dad. It was my pleasure wasting your money. I tried telling you I didn't want to play the piano when I had all those forts to build. You just didn't listen. I blame you for not having a "talent." I could have been the best fort builder in the country!

I'd be the keyboard/keytar player because it's the only instrument I could actually see myself playing. I mean I'm pretty weird but not weird enough to be the drummer. Although I'm pretty awesome at the air drums. Bass players are lame which I am not. Clearly. I enjoy being the center of attention so I could totally be the lead singer but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to handle all the whores and/or wear spandex pants. And as far as lead guitar, it involves too much work. Like you have to actually know what you are doing. So the only instrument left that is still awesome is the keyboards/keytar.

Yes, the keyboard/keytar (I'm abbreviating that now, k/k, ok?) has been mocked through out history but I will turn it into an instrument people across the lands will beg to play. I will make the k/k cool again. I mean personally I don't know what's cooler than wearing a piano around your neck. Maybe only a real live unicorn but even that's a stretch.

I understand the k/k is very "80's." Newsflash the 80's are back. I totally just wore my leg warmers to the office the other day. I got a lot of great compliments. Such as, "neat socks!" "you're such a trend setter" "why are you wearing those ugly fucking socks?" No problem people I'm here to help. Just one tip, perms are not in. End tip.

I'm pretty sure I'd have a red k/k. Mainly because I've only seen white, black and red. And clearly red is the best choice. Along with its sleek look my k/k would give me total freedom to move about the stage and practice my sweet dance moves. Just the other day my great Aunt complimented on how graceful my dancing was at my Aunts wedding. I'm not sure what about GETTING DOWN to Justin Timberlake is graceful but I'll take it. Another tip (full of them today) bring tennis shoes to weddings if you decide to take on the role of "party starter" and/or "embarrassing yourself in front of your whole family." It helps to minimize falling when you've had 10 Jack Daniel's & Ginger Ale's.

Following the total 80'sness I would have to wear a headband at all times. I feel like that's a requirement for quality k/k playing. I'm ok with that though. Headbands are cool in my book. I wore one on my birthday last year. You know the one that's on MAY 20th. Like this Tuesday. I think a keytar might be the perfect gift to start this dream...

THIS TIME LAST YEAR: ...while visions of buffalo chicken danced in my head.

SONG OF THE DAY: Woodhands - Dancer (THE SINGER PLAYS A MEAN KEYTAR!)

I have a hankering for these... and yes I just said hankering.



That is all. Enjoy your day!

Girl Talk

UPDATED WITH PICTURES
Have you ever been thrown down a flight of stairs? Yea, me either but I have been beat up by about 100 hipsters which is probably just as painful. Who knew their tiny fists could cause so much pain.

Friday, night I went and lost my mind listening to the genius that is Girl Talk. It's hard for me to get really excited about stuff but every time I think about this concert I start smiling an uncontrollable grin. It's like when someone says "wiener" I can't help but smile and giggle. Come on that is a funny word. Go ahead and say it. Ok, now say it outloud. If you don't at least smile a little smile, you are stone cold and we probably shouldn't be friends because you are obvi too "mature" for me.

Whenever I go to a concert I have an extreme need to be as close to the action as possible. In this case, on stage. Every clip or show I've ever seen of Girl Talk performing people are on stage gyrating to the beat. I've been one of those people. Last time if you remember he donkey kicked me in the face or what I like to refer to as one of the coolest moments in my life. This time I wasn't as sure I'd get anywhere near him being it was an all ages show and those youngins are crafty.

He started his set. I started gettin down on the get down and things were fine. That was until he let people get on stage. I now know what it feels like to almost be trampled. I'm surprised my ribs aren't poking out of my stomach. By the grace of god a hand came through the crowd and pulled me away from the clawing death trap. I will be forever indebted to you for saving my life, Jenn.

Gradually I made my way to the front of the stage. Because if there is a stage I am on it. And if there is a stage I will be in the front. Jazz hands! It took a little longer than I had hoped but my ten minute journey to the front was all worth it because somehow I ended up directly behind Girl Talk. Oh right that's because I'm awesome.

It was at this point that the furry was unleashed on me and I got punched in the face and mouth. They could have stabbed me and I would have continued to hold my spot. Silly kids. After awhile they accepted me and I'm pretty sure I might be pregnant now. It was the most action I've gotten in a week. Thanks guys!

I eventually gave up my spot because I was kind of over feeling like I had peed my pants. I don't think I've ever been that sweaty. Ever. I looked really beautiful especially after I had a bottle of water dumped on me. So neat. And if that wasn't neat enough he bought burritos for everyone.

Currently I'm working on a marriage proposal.

* GO HERE FOR MORE PICTURES
** PICTURE NOTE: I make the prettiest faces when I'm singing.

SONG OF THE DAY: Girl Talk - Friday Night

Just Nonsense

It's Friday bitches! You know what that means... it’s Just Nonsense time!

I've done some really embarrassing things in my car. Things I probably shouldn't even mention. Things like singing this song, loudly, in that deep sexy voice, with all my windows down or sticking my hand down my shirt to adjust the ladies. Typically if I do one of these embarrassing things I make sure no one is watching. I mean that is only logical, right? Because I don't know about you but getting caught playing air drums to Rick Astley is probably the most embarrassing that could ever happen. But I'm pretty sure if I decided to do something completely unrecoverably (made up word) embarrassing like stick my whole index finger into my nostril I wouldn't do it while stopped at a light, during rush hour. Just saying...

Guess what? Go on. Guess....... I’m going to see the wondrous Girl Talk tonight. Jealous? I am and I’m actually going. That doesn’t even make sense. I’ve been waiting to see him for so very long. So long… I can’t wait to get my sweaty dance on pressed cheek to cheek with all those hipsters who smell bad and don’t wash their hair. It’s going to be super neat.

I have decided I can’t drink coffee because it has burned a hole in my intestines. I imagine the burn I’m feeling is similar to the burn of Gonorrhea. Not that I’ve ever had that. I just hear it’s pretty painful.

I was really hoping something totally awk would have happened Wednesday when I went to get fitted for my bridesmaid dress for Rachel’s wedding but no dice. I was totally prepared to write about how I perform lower than a mute in social situations with my conversation skills. And also how awk it was when she measured my boobage because the ladies are more like girls and I forgot to shave my armpits when I took a shower that morning. TMI? Oh, how I love embarrassing myself. I mean I didn’t even have to tell you that but I did. Sometimes I worry about myself. But nothing remotely awk happened. Sadcakes...

I have a question for ya. Why don’t my feet tan? I look like a side show freak with my beautiful tan legs (minus the front of my right shin, Shelley!) and white feet. Why does that happen? God hates me doesn’t he? Great. Ok, I have another question. Why do the old ladies at my office insist on putting water into the soap to stretch it out longer when it gets low? Hey ladies (get funky.) when I pump out the soap it looks like man juice. I don’t like that. Especially not on my hands. It’s weird and uncomfortable because then I think about wieners and that really isn’t appropriate at work. Hear what I’m saying…


THIS TIME LAST YEAR: 10 Questions with Julie

SONG OF THE DAY: Landon Pigg - Great Companion (for vern)(inspired by Chelsea Talks Smack


This week in survival tips...

How to Take a Punch in the Stomach
1. Tighten your stomach muscles. A body blow to the gut (solar plexus) can damage and kill organs.
2. Do not suck in your stomach. Doing so increases the risk of internal injury.
3. Shift slightly so that the blow hits your side, but do not flinch or move away from the punch. Moving away only gives the punch more momentum. Try to absorb the blow with your obliques, the set of muscles on your side that wraps around your ribs.

Coffee*

I don't drink coffee. Why? Because it taste like garbage. I do however enjoy a good soy no whip mocha latte. I have refined taste. I might even go as far as classy. I am the ultimate.

How people drink regular coffee blows my mind. Why would you want to drink something like that? The last time I drank something that tasted that bad was Freshman year of college when I was introduced to Mr. Milwaukee's Best. We had a terrible relationship. He was abusive and would force himself on me. He was a real dick I grew to love. (That's what she said... How hard do I suck? Really?)

So will someone please tell me why people enjoy drinking coffee. And you can't use because "I need caffeine in the morning to wake my ass up" or "because it tastes good" because that is a lie. And I'm the only one who's allowed to lie in this relationship.

I've only been able to force coffee down once in my life. Does that make me a freak? No. It does not. It is just one more reason I am better than you. That one time was because I was stuck in meetings all day long with idiots and I had to entertain myself somehow because there was not a chance I was actually going to listen to what was happening. I am an excellent employee. So I decided to play a game. See how many cups of coffee I could drink before I died. I made it two cups. I am terrible at games. And not very competitive. Even when dying.

Lately for some odd reason I've been craving caffeine. Bad. I actually had a dream about dancing coffee cups. That is a lie. They weren't cups just coffee floating through the air. I'm not sure which one is more weird. So today I caved. I got a cup of coffee but only because we had French Vanilla creamer. Naturally I put a butt load of creamer and sugar in it to hide that adult coffee taste and make it more like a delicious milk. A delicious sugar coffee milk. And if I may say I could possibly be addicted to this concoction but I fear it is wrecking havoc on my brain. And my limbs. And I might be peeing chunks of organs out. IDK...


*This must be said like the guy in that Staples commercial. (I can't find the link so you have to deal.) It is way funnier. I just said it like him and giggled. So funny... And if you don't know what I'm talking about well you suck because that commercial is all sorts of funny. I feel bad for you.


SONG OF THE DAY: Cassius - Toop Toop

Watercolor...

I just bought myself some watercolors. I heart watercolors. It's one of my favorite mediums to work with. I know I've said in the past I've had the urge to paint more but this time I mean it. Really. Not lying.

My friend Hannah helped to suddenly inspire me. She is doing what I've always wanted to do when I grew up. Besides always wanting to be a greeting card maker being an artist more specifically a painter has been a life long dream. Totally jealous! Work it girl...

Usually if I don't do something I say it's because I have ADD. It's self diagnosed ADD but I'm pretty much a doctor so... Not many things have ever held my attention long enough for me to care about them. I could count the things that have on one hand. Things I actually put in effort to show I cared about them. These are the things I'd grab if my house was on fire. If I realistically could.

The reason that I never actually painted before was because I lacked inspiration. I'm not the kind of person that can just draw most times. I get too in my head. Too concerned about the finished product and not about right now. I need something to provoke me. And while I had some great inspiration for a few months I neglected it much like you do when you have something wonderful.

So now I have a wondering inspiration that ebb and flows like the ocean. Hopefully I can catch a wave and ride it the whole way to shore. I'll let you know how I progress.

THIS TIME LAST YEAR: Cinco de Pinko

SONG OF THE DAY:Crystal Castles - Courtship Dating